The 28 movies I saw for the first time in 2022 :)

1-Jan-2022: 1. Death to 2021
Fave! Mockumentary. Sequel to "Death to 2020".

Historian Tennyson Foss on the 2020 election: "It was shaping up to be a clash of really epic proportions. Perhaps the closest historical parallel would be the battle of Hogwarts, when Lord Voldemort set every single Death Eater to attack the school and defend his final Horcruxes, which –"
Interviewer: "But isn't that Harry Po–"
Foss: :|
Interviewer: "Do go on."
Foss: "Thank you."

Penn Parker, reporter: "Here are the two Americas again, each side believing the other side is trying to kill it or enslave it, whether it's masks or vaccines or votes. They constantly yell at each other, amplified through social media and TV. But I wonder, if these two sides actually sat down with each other as human beings in real life and took time to listen to each other, then maybe, just maybe, that could spark a fucking furious fistfight. Bam, bam, bam. Wouldn't that be a spectacle?"
Narrator: "We end the year as we began it, polarized and divided. Progressives versus conservatives. Vaxxed versus unvaxxed. Science versus whatever the fucking mental opposite of fucking science is."

The never-existence of "Death to 2022" breaks my heart. :'( You know it would have been ultra-mega-spectacular. D: BRB CRYING

8-Jan-2022: 2. Life of Pi
The face of the poor little CGI fish just killed me. D':

4-Feb-2022: 3. Knives out
I was gonna include some witty quote about morphine from around 34 minutes in, but the movie was gone from Netflix by the time I started polishing this list. :/

19-Feb-2022: 4. The power of the dog
I'll never be able to castrate a tomcat as fast as that guy castrated a bull. o_O

20-Feb-2022: 5. My best friend Anne Frank

26-Feb-2022: 6. Grease
Meh. I failed to see what the fuss was about. It probably didn't help that it was the first movie I watched after being threatened with nukes for the first time. :C Fucking Putler.

6-Mar-2022: 7. The trial of the Chicago 7
Judge Hoffman: "I'd like to clarify something for the jurors. There are two Hoffmans in this courtroom. The defendant Abbie Hoffman and myself, Judge Julius Hoffman. I didn't want there to be confusion on the matter."
Abbie Hoffman: "Man, I don't think there's much chance they're gonna mix us up."
Spectators: *lol*
Judge Hoffman: "And the record should reflect that defendant Hoffman and I are not related."
Abbie Hoffman: "Father, NO!"
Spectators: *lol*

8-Mar-2022: 8. Al Pitcher - Sverige syndrome

11-Mar-2022: 9. Top Gun

25-Mar-2022: 10. Black Sea
*sweat*
If you liked this, you may also enjoy "Kursk".
*SWEAT*

26-Mar-2022: 11. A street cat named Bob
Netflix: "This is a feel-good movie lol"
Me: *spends 99% of movie being terrified for poor vulnerable cat* :'(
Wiki says:
"On the 13th June 2020, Bob was fed in the kitchen of their home in Surrey, and last seen at approximately 11:00 p.m., before James noticed he was missing half an hour later. On Monday 15 June 2020, two days after going missing, Bob was found dead at the side of a road around half a mile from his home. The cause of death was determined to be haematoma from a head-on collision with a car, the driver of which remains unknown. He was thought to be aged at least 14 to 15 years old. Bob had escaped through a skylight that had mistakenly been left ajar." xC

28-Mar-2022: 12. Kapp to Cape
Docu about 2 guys who cycle from Norway to South Africa. :O
- 1800 km
- 12 countries
- Tried to do it in 100 days and were constantly stressed out af but had to add a few more days, IIRC
- They each had to eat 7000 kcal/day
- They each drank 10 l of water/day in Egypt

31-Mar-2022: 13. The package
A subtle, sensitive comedy about a complex young man who loses his dick in a freak accident. The funniest characters were the expert dick-cleaner and the Chad-bro, whose name was Chad. xD

Youth 1: "Listen here, you little terrorist. This is my brother's dick. He's in the hospital right now, and he needs us. We need your boat so we can get to the hospital to reattach it."
Dick: *flop*
Youth 2: "Listen kid, when we're around, dicks get cut and dicks get sucked."
Dick: *wilt*
Youth 1: "I saw him suck this dick this morning."
Dick: *sag*
Youth 2: "I sucked that dick this morning! Now give us the keys!"
Boat-owning child: *SHRIEK*

9-Apr-2022: 14. 22 July

15-Apr-2022: 15. Little women

17-Apr-2022: 16. Enola Holmes

11-Jun-2022: 17. Jackass - the movie
Sigh… Well:
- The wasabi-snorting was my fave bit
- I cringed at the papercuts; a crew member barfed and fainted
- Non-human animals were harrassed :(
- The guys: *imply that gently inserting a tiny, condom-encased, lube-drenched toy car up one's ass is the most frightening stunt evar*
Me: *laughs in iud*
Maybe they'll shove IUD:s up their urethras in the next movie? [Insert popcorn emoji here]

27-Aug-2022: 18. Dom Hemingway
"Is my cock exquisite? 'Cause I think it's fucking exquisite. I think it's a fucking work of art. Like a Renoir, or a Picasso. A painting of my cock should hang at the Louvre. They should study my cock in art classes. Spend whole courses studying the splendid contours of its exquisiteness, don't you think? They should also study my cock in science class, because it defies nature. My cock is hard. It's metal, it's steel, it's titanium. It does not break, it does not weaken. My cock can stand all day, like a good soldier trained to impress his superiors. If my cock could win a medal, it would. If they could name a school after it, it should. If it could save small Somali children from starving, it would, and it should win a Nobel fucking peace prize for it, the first such prize ever given to a cock. My Nobel prize-winning cock's like a cheetah! All sleek and dangerous and deadly. Sonnets should be written about how dangerous my cheetah cock is. Poems, plays. Wars should be won over it, kingdoms falling because of it. My cock is lightning, it's fire, it's a volcano brewing with the sacred semen, lava - *comes* Sugar and spice and all things nice. Sorry for the lack of warning, dearie."

Judging by the stories coming from people who get sent unsolicited dick pics, the above opinions accurately reflect the average cock-owner's estimation of his dear little cock. In other news, I'm now very traumatised from listening to the monologue a total of OVER 9000 times as I transcribed it. Even though Jude Law is the most beautiful human ever. o_O Must wash my brain with 38 viewings of "The talented Mr Ripley" or something. *glergh*

1-Oct-2022: 19. Guns akimbo
"But don't worry, OK? This is not another story about a nerd trying to get the girl like she's an Xbox achievement to be unlocked."

8-Oct-2022: 20. Imperium

12-Oct-2022: 21. The courageous heart of Irena Sendler

27-Nov-2022: 22. Ted
Narrator: "Now if there's one thing you can be sure of, it's that nothing is more powerful than a young boy's wish. Except an Apache helicopter. An Apache helicopter has machine guns AND missiles. It is an unbelievably impressive complement of weaponry, an absolute death machine."

9-Dec-2022: 23. Shaun the sheep: The flight before Christmas
Fave!

10-Dec-2022: 24. The electrical life of Louis Wain
In the 1880's: "One day, I don't think it'll be so peculiar to have a cat in the house as a little pet."

I'm into Benedict and cats

17-Dec-2022: 25. 8 Mile

18-Dec-2022: 26. Shaun the sheep: The movie
Fave!

26-Dec-2022: 27. Robin Robin

31-Dec-2022: 28. Jappeloup
Fave… maybe? :p It's a bit early to tell… In any case, I'm gonna rewatch it. French biopic about showjumper Jappeloup (1975-1991). Nice music, too. :q My first Jappeloup-related memory was a little obituary with a photo in a kids' horse magazine from February 1992. :(

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Taken on: December 31, 2022

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